He's a Keeper!

In the months following the close of the studio, I experienced a deep depression - like I have never experienced in my life.  It was as if someone close to me suddenly died - and they had.  My baby - the thing I'd carried around inside of me, nurtured and cared for, then gave birth to - the thing I'd spent years building, pouring into -  selflessly and tirelessly spending myself - was gone.  To me, a death had indeed occurred.  A death of purpose. A death of destiny.  All that I believed I was born for - gone.


I began to question God, question my faith, and question every single decision I had ever made for Him.  Everything that I believed. Everything that I preached.  Everything that I was was up for question.  My very foundation was shaken and I was lost.


I cannot begin to tell you the thoughts and feelings I had during this period. All I can say, is that Psalm 121 is more real to me now than it ever was. 

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
       where does my help come from?  ² My help comes from the LORD,
       the Maker of heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not let your foot slip—
       he who watches over you will not slumber;
 ⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
       will neither slumber nor sleep.
 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—
       the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
 ⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
       nor the moon by night.
 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
       he will watch over your life;
 ⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
       both now and forevermore.

All I can say is that He is able to keep you, even when you don't want to be kept!  He will not let your foot slip! That is good news!

If He hadn't been keeping me - I would have lost my mind and everything else! And I didn't care.  I didn't care.  I was heartbroken and crushed and I didn't care anymore.  I felt like He had let me down and reneged on all of His promises - so what was the use of caring about any of those things! I wanted to die.

But He kept me and He didn't let me go, nor did He allow me to let go.

I am so grateful for His grace and His mercy that didn't allow me to be consumed. I'm grateful that His love and compassion doesn't fail, but are new every morning.  He is indeed faithful - even when we don't have faith. (Lamentations 3:23-24)

Thankfully, He is restoring my faith and restoring my hope in Him and in His promises again.  Thankfully, He's giving me the grace to say, "Yes" to Him again - even though it's hard - I still say, "Yes". Even if certain things never change and the promises never come - I still say, "Yes".

I love Him - not for what He does, but for who He is.  And life isn't living without Him.